（根据真实事件改编）
（弗吉尼亚大学）
天啊
God.
怎么每次都有金枪鱼啊 你知道我讨厌金枪鱼 偏偏总是吃到
I get tuna every time and I hate tuna. You know I hate tuna, but I just… get it.
-你那是什么 -意式的
-It's like… What'd you get? -Italian.
明智的选择 意式三明治很好吃
See, that… That's a good choice. Italian is a good sandwich.
-嘿 宝贝 -不是吧
-What's up, babe? -Oh, no.
菲尔兹 千万别往左边看
Fields, whatever you do, don't look to your left.
不是吧
Oh, no way.
不好意思 兄弟
Sorry, pal.
才刚上大四第一周 她怎么就能把我甩了呢
Just one week into senior year. How'd she just leave me?
显然是短♥信♥分手
Apparently by text.
天啊 我吃不下去了
I… I can't eat this.
我感觉好孤独
-I feel so alone. -Yeah.
孤独和不被需要的感觉
"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted
是最可怕的贫穷
is the most terrible poverty."
特蕾莎修女说的 不过我向你保证 你没有被甩
Mother Teresa, who, by the way, I guarantee you was never dumped.
说真的 你先把她甩了 让劈腿渣女见鬼去吧
I mean, seriously, you dump her, that is one-way ticket downstairs.
就是那个家伙
Shh! Is that the guy?
谁
Who?
-她为一个飞盘男甩了我 -你也玩飞盘
-She left me for a Frisbee guy? -You're a Frisbee guy.
我跟他不一样 他…
No, not like him. He's, like…
没穿上衣
shirtless.
他身材真好
He looks great.
我谢谢你哦
-Thank you. -Well.
要不我们今晚
I think that tonight,
去短尾猫酒吧
we should go down to the Bobcat,
喝点酒 吃点鸡翅吧
get some drinks, get some wings,
别想克莱尔和肌肉美男的事了
forget about Claire and this Adonis.
你…
You…
想什么呢
Where'd you go?
你没在听
You aren't listening.
我们去动物收♥容♥所♥吧
Let's go to the pound.
这就是个错误
-This is a mistake.
我有满腔的爱要给予 但克莱尔不屑一顾
Okay, I have love to give, and Claire doesn't want it.
我爱你 跟我约会吧 我懂你 我们现在可以走了吗
I love you, babe. Me, I do. Can we go now, please?
我要养一只狗
I am getting a dog.
你上回洗澡是什么时候
When was the last time you showered?
是在一个星期二
It was a Tuesday.
听着 狗需要打疫苗 你还得每天给它们喂食添水
Listen, dogs, they need shots. They need food and water every day.
-知道吗 -知道
-Okay? -Yeah.
你就是…
You are just…
你没条件养狗 抱歉 但这是事实
You're ill-equipped. I'm sorry. You just are.
-没有了动物 人类会如何 -不是吧你
-"What is man without the beasts?" -Oh, no.
若野兽尽皆消亡 人类会因精神世界的孤独而死去
"For if all the beasts were gone, man would die of a great loneliness of the spirit."
-这是西雅图酋长说的 -我知道
-It's Chief Seattle. -I know it's Chief Seattle. I know it is.
听着 你的美洲原住民课程只拿了B-
Just listen. A B-minus in Native American studies
别以为修过这门课就能照顾动物
does not qualify you to care for an animal.
-还有 拜托别再这样了 -为什么
-Also, please don't ever do that again. -Why?
你用已故智者的话来怼我 会让我很不爽
It's very off-putting when you quote smart dead guys back at me.
哲学艺术 这是我的风格
That's my thing. Philosophical arts, my thing.
-你知道的 -好吧
-You know it. -Okay.
不是吧
Oh, no.
嘿
Well, hey!
你好呀 小狗狗
What's up, pup?
我喜欢它
I love him.
它也喜欢我
And he loves me.
好大一袋呀
Whoop! That's a big bag.
对了 它最爱的人必须是我 你可别跟它套近乎
All right. Oh, and I need him to imprint on me, so don't, like, bond with him.
放心吧你
Done and done.
小家伙 今天是我们第一次一起坐车兜风
You know what, little buddy? I am gonna find the perfect song
我要配一首最完美的歌♥
for our first car ride together.
车里怎么这么热
Why is it so warm in here?
我跟你说过空调坏了
I told you, the AC is still broken.
-天啊 -别吓着它
-Oh, my God! -Don't scare him.
-它尿我身上了 -是啊
-He's peeing on me! -Whoa! Oh, yeah.
-快把你的狗拿走 -我不要
-Fields, take your dog right now. -I don't want him!
-我也不要 -等一下
-I don't want him! -Hold on!
快把它拿走 我发誓…
Take him right now. I swear to God.
它才刚跟我们相处五分钟 我不想它留下♥阴♥影
Listen, I don't want his first five minutes with us to be traumatizing,
所以 就随它去吧
so just, like, let him do his thing.
我这辈子从来没这么倒霉过
This is the worst thing that has ever happened.
它喜欢你
-He likes you.
怎么这么多尿啊
Why is there so much?
我不知道
-I don't…
好吧 那个…
Yeah. Wow. All right.
也许我们不该看
Maybe we shouldn't look.
好了 完事
Oh! Yeah! Okay.
还有一点
Oh, a little bit more.
搞定 它尿完了
Okay, he's done.
乖宝宝
Good boy! Good boy.
真乖
Good boys.
你俩都很乖
Very good boys. Both of you.
-我恨你 -你爱我
-I hate you. -You love me.
是时候带这个小家伙回家了
Time to take this fella home.
狗狗来喽
Puppy coming through!
狗狗
Puppy!
我带来了贵宾
I got the VIP.
你好呀
Oh, hi!
-我知道 -真可爱
-I know. I know. I know.
嗨
Hi!
玩得开心吗 朋友
You having fun, buddy?
你知道这派对是为你办的吧
Oh. You know this is all for you, right?
是为了庆祝你回家
This is your homecoming.
这派对还挺好玩
This party is fun.
真不敢相信会有这么多人为了…
I cannot believe that all these people showed up for…
它叫什么名字
What is his name?
我不知道
I don't know.
你叫什么名字
What is your name?
它庄了一下我的头
He gonked me on the head.
-它什么 -我是说撞了一下
-He did what? -I mean… I mean bonked.
-慢着 就叫这个吧 -什么
-Wait, that's it. -What is it?
撞撞
-"Gonker."
-好呀 它喜欢这名字 撞撞 -撞撞是什么鬼
-Hey, yeah, he likes it. Gonker. -What is a gonker?
它就是撞撞
He's a Gonker.
撞撞
Gonker! Gonker! Gonker!
撞撞
Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker! Gonker!
我们上课要迟到了
We're gonna be late to class.
深呼吸
Take a deep breath,
进入下犬式
and we're gonna glide into downward dog.
准备好了吗
Ready?
去吧 捡球去
Go. Go get it.
不 回来
No, come back. Come back.
去捡呀 快
-Oh, go get it! Come on.
来 快去
Go, come on.
嘿
-Hey! Whoosh!
对啦 你真棒
Yeah, there you go!
好样的 过来
There you go, buddy! Come here.
对 就是这样 捡回来
Yes! That's it, buddy! Bring it back.
看见没 我说的没错吧 这小伙儿有天赋
Boosh! You guys see it? What did I tell you? The boy is talented.
（弗吉尼亚大学毕业生）
-我才不要跟你开鬼屋呢 -你们听说兰莉的事了吗
I'm not opening a haunted house with you. Wait. Did you guys hear about Lainey?
-什么 -她找了波音公♥司♥的工作 年薪六位数
-What? -She got a job at Boeing. Six figures.
-没听说啊 真的 -别扯了
-No, stop. -Really?
六位数 真金白银吗
-Wow. -Six figures? Like, in money?
-是啊 而且还能留在弗吉尼亚 -少扯了
-Yeah, and she gets to stay in Virginia. -Stop.
-我在圣路易斯一个人都不认识 -怎么扯到圣路易斯了
-I don't know anyone in St. Louis. -What's in St. Louis?
-我要去那工作 -对
-My job. -Yeah.
我要去安海斯布希的公♥关♥部了
I'm doing PR for Anheuser-Busch.
-两周后开始 -你不知道
-I start in, like, two weeks. -You didn't know that?
-你要去啤酒公♥司♥上班 -梦寐以求的工作啊 是吧
-You're working for a beer company? -Dream job, right?